Sporting KC’s Matt Besler Drops Shooter McGavin Line in Postgame Interview

In this week's latest Shooter McGavin news bulletin, Sporting Kansas City defender Matt Besler decided to drop one of the legendary golfer's more obscure lines after a 0-0 draw against the Portland Timbers on Wednesday.Timbers.com (h/t SB Nation's Mark Hinog) logged Besler's postgame words for posterity's sake. In what I assume was pitch-perfect deadpan, the defender worked McGavin's oft-forgotten words about the lovely haven of Portland, Oregon, into his postgame autopsy:This is always a very difficult place to play. It was a hard-fought draw. I tell you the real winner today is the city of Portland. Every time I come here it gets harder to leave. I bet you guys put something in the water.It really is a nice town.If you learned anything this week, let it be that the life and words of the villain from Happy Gilmore are alive and well in 2015.I mean, Shooter was just hanging out with one of his biggest fans at the U.S. Open this week:Oh, Shooter. You old dog, you!Embrace the Shooter renaissance. You can do nothing to stop it.Dan is on Twitter eagerly awaiting Shooter's comeback tour.Read more MLS news on BleacherReport.com

MLS Crotch-Grabbing Incident Ends in Theatrics and a Yellow Card

Swatting another man’s rutabagas is a distinct breach of decorum. It is a painful and indefensible act at best. It’s also not a big deal in the MLS.  In one of the stranger, groin-centric incidents to occur in American soccer, New York Red Bulls defender Jamison Olave gave Real Salt Lake’s Olmes Garcia a slap on the tenderloin during their Wednesday night matchup. The Big Lead’s Mike Cardillo caught scent of the incident, which ended in Garcia grabbing his groin and executing a barrel roll toward the penalty area. Here are Vines of the tap, courtesy TSN’s Aaron Ward and @TylerGibbons: It was a dumb, embarrassing scene on all fronts, and it ended in Garcia receiving a yellow card for flopping. I repeat: The guy who was backhanded in the brisket got in trouble. Did Garcia overact? Yes, he went down quicker than a sweet muffin. In his defense, a man brazenly popped him in the pudding pouch, showing zero respect for the social contract (read the small print, dude-on-dude groin smacking is outlawed). Cardillo writes that video evidence could help MLS officials bring Olave to justice: “Logic would dictate in the age of video and GIFs (or GYFs!) that Olave will likely earn a retroactive suspension for his actions." Flopping or ...

Portland Timbers Owner Merritt Paulson Bitten by Alligator?

Warning: Article contains an image of an alligator bite you might find unappealing. Why was Merritt Paulson putting his hand near alligators? We don’t know, but it appears one of those scaly mothers bit him good. Earlier this week, the Portland Timbers owner allegedly tweeted out a nasty image of his mangled finger. Twitter user @nomadpdx (h/t Brian Stern of FanSided.com) received the image of said finger in a conversation Thursday. It looks less like a human digit and more like a gently used Vienna sausage. Paulson has since deleted the tweet with the picture, leaving fans in the dark regarding the exact circumstances in which he acquired the wound. Naturally, the denizens of the Internet have taken to drawing their own conclusions. I have my own theories. Whether Paulson’s accident involved a tournament down in Florida and hooking a ball near the water remains to be seen. What we do know is that alligators are ornery and the Timbers are probably going to see a lot of the Gator chomp from D.C. United fans at their next match. Get well, Mr. Paulson, and next time: Run in a zigzag.   They got all them teef...and no toofbrush. Follow @Dr_Carson_Read more MLS news on BleacherReport.com